Children and Families Bill – you need to take action now [2]

Debs writes

We recently wrote about some of the changes being proposed in the Children and Families Bill that will not benefit families.  We looked at the duty to identify SEN, the annual review, the time limits and also the format of the Education Health and Care Plan (EHCP).

SENREFORM-Magnify

Today, we want to raise your awareness of other issues with the proposed changes and would like to thank Jane McConnell and all at IPSEA for helping to raise awareness of these.

Admission to Special Academies:

At present any child with SEN but without a statement must be educated in a mainstream school.  In order to attend a Special School, a child must have their needs assessed and the LA then have have a duty to fund the provision identified by the assessment.  This, in principle, protects children being placed in potentially inappropriate schools.  There are no exceptions to this in the current legislation.

This principle still exists in clause 34(2) of the proposed Bill but an exception has been introduced. Special Academies (including Free Schools), will now be able to admit children or young people with SEN permanently into the school without them having an assessment or an EHC Plan in place – if they are given permission by the Department for Education.   Now, in theory, this sounds great.  Getting your child into a special academy placement without having to go through the statutory assessment process (especially as the new Bill doesn’t put time limits on the process).  However, there are two issues with this:

1.  It  undermines the principle that mainstream schools MUST be enabled to make provision for ALL children without a statement/EHCP and also MOST children with statements/EHCPs – so if a mainstream school knows there is a Special Academy nearby, there will be a strong temptation to point the parents in their direction, rather than take the child themselves and have to cater for their needs.  So no aspiration necessary for the mainstream school to improve their teaching to include children with SEN with or without a statement or EHCP; and

2.  If a child with SEN is admitted to a Special Academy without EHCP – what happens when things go wrong?  What if the Academy cannot meet the needs of the child?  What if the child, due to no assessement of needs, is placed in the wrong Academy?  There is no duty for the LA to fund the provision without an EHCP and the parents will have nothing to challenge the school or LA with if there is no EHCP.  What about the Health and Care provision?  If no assessement or EHCP, how will the school and family know they are meeting the Health and Care needs of the child?  Yes, there will be minimum standards that all schools must adhere to – but let’s be honest, have you ever tried to find your LA’s miminum standards and if successful, actually make sense of them?   There is of course the NHS constitution and the Children’s Act but very often, to access the Social Care side of support, a statement is currently needed so no EHCP could, in theory mean, no access to that support.

We need the DfE to seriously consider this option.  Having an assessment ensures that the child’s needs are accurately recognised and provision put in place.

Re-assessment of Needs:

At present, a re-assessment is the same as an assessment.  If a child or young person’s needs change, then a further assessment can be requested and if agreed, then the LA has to comply with the statutory assessment duties.  This includes time limits, consulting with the professionals named in the Regulations (education professionals, educational psychologist, social services and health services).

However, in the proposed Bill, a new concept of re-assessment is being introduced.  LAs will be allowed to decide what format a re-assessment takes.  There will no longer be the same duties to consult and obtain evidence from the professionals named above and they can also choose to review just one area of the EHC Plan.

Also, there is no duty for the LA to conclude the process of re-assessment at the two points which would trigger a right of appeal to the SEND Tribunal (i.e. when the LA decides not to issue an amended EHC Plan or when the LA issues a new EHC Plan with which the parent disagrees).

So basically, if your child’s needs change, the LA can re-assess but may only reassess one part of the Plan, e.g.  the health part but no need for them to reassess the Education and Care part of the Plan.  As we all know, each of these impacts on the other which is why the idea of an EHC Plan was so popular with parents.  One plan that looked at their child holistically, no need to tell your story more than once, everyone working together, etc.  So why have a joint plan, why jointly commission, why fund “Working in Partnership” workshops if once the EHC Plan is published, any re-assessment reverts back to individual agencies.

If you are not happy with the proposed amended EHC Plan or if the LA decides not to issue an amended EHC Plan, then the proposed Bill (in its current form) does not give you any right to appeal to the SEND Tribunal.

Again, this Bill is introducing changes which, if we are honest, are based on every LA existing in a world we don’t live in.  Yes, in an ideal world, LA’s would never not re-assess, they would always produce an amended Plan if the child’s needs changed, the plan would always look at the child’s need in every aspect of their life and the LA would unreservedly support families if their current school did not meet the needs of their child.  However, we live in the real world.

We need to take action now, before the Children and Families Bill becomes the Children and Families Act.  If you want to know how to take action, please visit the IPSEA website

Children and Families Bill – you need to act now [1]

Debs writes….

sen reform special needs jungle

Last week, I had the pleasure of listening to Jane McConnell (IPSEA‘s Chief Executive) speak at the Towards a Positive Conference.

As Jane spoke, I realised that the messages about the Bill are not getting out – either people think the changes don’t affect them or the changes just won’t happen.

However, if you have a child or young person aged 0 to 25 with ANY additional needs, then you need to take five minutes out of your busy day (and as we are parents too, we know how chaotic our days can be) but the changes being proposed WILL affect you and not all of the proposed changes will help families.

This week we will be sharing with you the changes you need to be aware of and also saying how you can take action.  Please share these posts with your friends and colleagues.

Which proposed changes will reduce or remove your current rights?

Duty to Assess SEN:  At present, there is a PROACTIVE duty to identify the needs of children and young people with SEN via assessment:  “Proactive = Acting in advance to deal with an expected difficulty”.

In the Children and Families Bill (in its current form), this has been reduced to a duty to identify.  “Identify = To ascertain the origin, nature, or definitive characteristics”.  There is no duty on the LA to be proactive.  This is a weaker duty on the LA and will cause issues for many parents who are just entering our Special Needs Jungle looking for help and support for their child.

We need the DfE to ensure that LAs are proactive in identifying needs.

Time Limits:  At present, your LA has a maximum of six weeks from receiving the request for statutory assessment (i.e. starting the statementing process) to decide if they will assess and then they have a further 10 weeks to decide whether they will issue a statement.

The Children and Families Bill, in its current form, will not provide a time limit by which LAs need to make a decision about whether they will issue a Education Health and Care Plan (EHCP).  Once they decide to issue, there will be a time limit of 20 weeks (from the initial request) to issue, but as a mum who has gone through this process four times (once to be turned down), I can remember how anxious I was after my application had gone in, waiting to see if they would agree to assess.

Then, again, the stress I felt when I was waiting for the decision as to whether they would issue a statement.  However, I had taken advice and knew that there was a time frame in which the LA had to make a decision and these dates were clearly marked on my calendar.

I cannot imagine the pressure that parents starting the process  under the Children’s and Families Act will face without the security of time limits.  Yes, some LAs will do this promptly and will act fairly but as we all know, in the real world, there are also many, many LAs who won’t.

We need the DfE to be prescriptive in this.  This Bill is supposed to make our life less stressful, not more!

1209643_dream_graphEducation, Health & Care Plans:  At present, the law says that a statement has to be in a standard format. As set out in the SEN regulations it has to “be in such form and contain such information as may be prescribed”.  However, the Children and Families Bill, in its current form, no longer requires regulations to prescribe a standard form for EHCP.  Basically this means each LA can produce their own version.

Currently Part 2 of the statement has to state the educational needs of the child.  Part 3 has to state the provision to meet the educational needs in part 2.  The provision must be specific and also quantified.

If LAs can produce their own version of EHCP with no regulations about what they have to put in there – what can I say?  We would all love to live in an ideal world where every LA would do everything  possible to meet the needs of every child and no LA would even dream of  spending valuable resources on very expensive legal representation to do battle with parents on their behalf.

Unfortunately, however, we all have to live in the real world  – with budget cuts, lack of resources, lack of working in partnership and in some areas, total lack of empathy and of course, the hugely expensive legal representation that the majority of parents cannot compete against.

We need the DfE to regulate the content of EHCPs and ensure that the educational, health and care needs of our children and young people along with the educational, health and care provision to meet those needs is in every EHCP.

Annual Reviews:  Currently, there is a duty on LAs to inform parents, children or young people of the outcome of the Annual Review.  Once this is communicated, parents and children/young people can appeal to the SEND tribunal if they are unhappy.  However, the Children and Families Bill, in it current form, no longer has this duty.  So, LAs don’t, in theory, have to tell you.

In addition, there are  current duties such as enabling parents to participate in the decision making; the requirement to obtain up to date information before an Annual Review and share it with parents; parents to be able to make their views known and for those to be circulated; the compulsory attendance of professionals at the review meeting at the key states of a child/young person’s education and transition arrangements out of education.

Guess what?  Yes, I think you are starting to get the general idea – there is no duty for any of the above in the Children and Families Bill.

We need the DfE to address this.  Once again, some LAs and educational settings will do all of the above without legislation in place but so many more will only do what they absolutely have to.

If you want to know how to take action, please visit IPSEA’s website

We will be posting soon about some other changes which will reduce or remove your current rights and some outstanding issues with the proposals of the Children and Families Bill.

A spin around The Autism Show

Last Saturday, Debs and I visited The Autism Show at London’s Excel. Poor Debs fell over the dog a couple of days earlier and has her wrist in a splint so my long-suffering husband, Marco, came along as chief wheelchair-pusher and photographer, so thank you to him for putting up with my constant requests to go, stop, get closer, further away and turn left and left (I can’t remember right).

It was great to put faces to names and we excitedly foisted lots of our brand new SNJ pens onto people whether they wanted one or not.

We had an interesting chat with Mark Hayes from Autism Eye which is a great publication – free copies were available at the show. The magazine is also available as a digital download as well.

IMG_0971

Tania, Anna Kennedy, Debs

It was a whistlestop tour as I had to dash back to watch Son1 play bass in the school Jazz Band at a local Fayre  (they were splendiferous, if you like jazz take a peek at this. You can’t really see Son1, he’s the blond kid right at the back). Because of this we didn’t get time to see the Autism’s Got Talent show, but we did meet and have a chat with its founder, the tireless Anna Kennedy. Among her many achievements, Anna has started her own autism school, published a dance DVD for people with autism and hosted many, many events to improve the lives of young people with ASD, as well as having her own special needs children.

IMG_0961

Peter from SEN Mag, Tania & Debs

I was also delighted to meet in person, Peter Sutcliffe, the Editor of SEN Magazine. I have written for SEN Magazine in the past and subscribe myself – it’s a great source of information and ideas!

The award winning team from SEN Assist were also there. They make educational software for children with SEN and Adele, the company’s founder also works at Freemantles Special School, so she has plenty of young people to test her products on!

There were lots of stands with interesting resources, specialist schools, sensory equipment, legal services, and even products made by young people with autism from LVS Oxford. They teach their students real skills they can use in adult life, which of course, brings with it increased confidence and self-esteem. I bought some of their lavender sachets, my favourite scent (very old fashioned, I know!) Son2 decided when we got home that as he is a fan of lavender as well, I must have bought them for him. I have not seen them since but his room is smelling suspiciously fragrant.

IPSEA were on hand to give free advice in private cubicles and there was a big presence of course from the NAS and Ambitious About Autism

IMG_0969

Evelyn Hope Ashford & Debs

One great resource we will be featuring in more depth soon is Advocacy Service, Education Equality founded by Evelyn Hope Ashford. It is a low-cost advocacy SEN service and their advocates can also accompany you to meetings, tribunals and so on. Check out their website for more information.

We met so many amazing people in such a short amount of time! I really think the world of special needs is blessed to have so many energetic, dedicated and just bloody amazing people working to help children with SEN/D. Many, if not most of them are in the sector because of their own direct experience as parents of children with disabilities.

Finally, I end the post with an apology. I was due to co-present with Debs at the Wordswell Towards a Positive Future conference this Thursday. Unfortunately, I have realised after the weekend’s activities of Autism Show, Fayre and supermarket (how very dare I!) left me too exhausted to move on Monday, that it’s just not possible for me to manage the demands of travel and a day long conference. EDS and PoTS strike again!

However, Debs will be holding the SNJ fort and she has a brilliant presentation about parental co-production. I understand there are just a few places left, so if you are near London or can travel, tickets are just £30 for parents including lunch – and the chance to meet Debs of course and grab an SNJ pen – who could resist?

Other presentations will be from IPSEA’s Jane McConnell and Child Psychologist Charlie Mead, both of whom I am very sad to be missing. I am a great admirer of Jane and Charlie is one of my heroes for his brilliant work with vulnerable children.

If you do go, let me know your feedback – it’s a great line-up and our Debs is a complete star; I’m so proud to have her with me on Special Needs Jungle. We have lots of exciting things lined up in the next few months. The TES logo top left is a clue!

Did you go to The Autism Show? What did you think?

Evaluation of SEND pathfinder report – some nice weekend reading!

senreform2The Children and Families Bill has had a busy week, having a third reading in the House of Commons and then a brief first reading in the House of Lords.

It really would be nice, by the way, if the DfE could provide a little bit better public notice of these events for people who like to follow them.

I watched most of the Commons reading but just haven’t had time to write about it, although many interesting points were raised, particularly by the Labour Education spokesman, Sharon Hodgson and Robert Buckland MP, who has himself worked on many SEND tribunal cases.

If you’d like to watch the reading yourself, you can do so on parliament live TV here

The DfE has now published an “Evaluation of the SEND pathfinder programme” as a nice bit of weekend reading.

This report is the first of two volumes containing the evaluation findings from the first 18 months of the Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND) pathfinder programme.

To recap:

Twenty Pathfinder sites, comprising thirty-one local authority areas were tasked to develop and trial: an integrated assessment process: a single, joined up ‘Education, Health and Care Plan’; and personal budgets across education, social care and health, and adult services as appropriate for children and young people from birth to 25 years.

Debs and I are parents-carer reps for Kent and Surrey respectively, part of the SE7 pathfinder group.

The evaluation’s key findings highlighted that the pathfinders have invested considerable resource to establish new processes including: the assignment of a key worker so that families have a single point of contact; the development of personal profiles through which families and young people can express themselves; adopting person centred planning approaches; and moving to a single EHCP document.

The general feedback around each of these developments has been positive. Pathfinders appear to recognise the advantages of working differently, and are positive about the impact of the changes.

Both the new process and the underlying ethos were seen as important. The changed approaches were reported to have increased choice and control for families. In all cases they were involved in the development of outcomes and agreeing the plan to meet these outcomes. The challenge of a shift to focus on outcomes was clearly demonstrated, with many key workers reporting finding the development of outcome based plans challenging.

It also noted that further workforce development and support for cultural change will be important moving forward. I should coco! Not only important, but absolutely vital and top of the list. And if we’re finding it a challenge in the pathfinders, imagine the job those other councils outside the trails that groups like the SE7 are to mentor are going to face over the coming months.

Still, I have been mightily impressed by the work being done and the positive approach that I’ve seen and I have high hopes still.

Problems remain however and we will have more to say, of course, about our opinions on this.

In the meantime, if you would like to read the report, you can find the page here

I’m now off to my youngest’s GCSE options evening. Really not sure how he got that old so quickly. Or me!

Carer’s Week: Join me on the Carer’s Circle Line

Debs writes….

During National Carers Week, I think we all give more thought to what being a carer actually means.  Most of the time, we are the same as the young carers out there who think “it’s just what we do” but during this week, we can’t open a paper or watch the tv without the impact of caring jumping out at us.

I always think of being a carer as travelling on ……

Carer's Circle Line

We spend our good days at the top of the Circle Line, relaxed and confident.  These are the days when the services have actually worked together, you are getting the support you need, your child or young person is getting the support they need.  Perhaps you have won a battle to get your child into the school you need,  perhaps you have managed to get a place on a Young Carer’s event for your other child or perhaps you have just managed to get more than three hours sleep.

Sadly, however, we also spend days at the bottom of the Circle Line, withdrawn, exhausted or despairing that things may never get better.

When we are having a good day, we all know how quickly one little thing can send us spinning down to the bottom.  Then when we are at the bottom, it is so much more difficult to get back to the top.  It’s like being on the Pirate Ship at the Funfair – you swing back and to until you get enough momentum to hit the top.

You start to climb back up the side of the Circle Line but  you hit “self pity” and it is so difficult to get past here.  Everyone expects you to be there; in fact a lot of people find it easier to deal with you there as it fits in with their idea of how you should be acting.  However, this just knocks you back down to sorrow and anger and you have to start the climb again.

I firmly believe that when we all work together, the practitioners and others involved in my life, should be able to give me that little push (I do mean metaphorically) and help me get back to the top of the Circle Line.

Then, because we just refuse to fit into boxes, I also have to point out that although I may be “relaxed” today when you meet me, I may not be “relaxed” the next time.  I may be “relaxed” and “confident” but my husband may be at “despair” and then don’t forget my children will possibly be somewhere different too.  The dynamics of the family can be our biggest strength at times but can also be the weakest link.

One of the other issues with the Circle Line is that it’s not easy to get off.  The other lines offer universal services so access to them is not always available.  If we continue the Circle Line analogy, then this is when there are only escalators where we need a lift or only  visual signs when I cannot read.  Those who work with our families can usually jump off the Circle Line and access Universal services.  One day, we can only hope that this will be a possibility for all of us too.

Carer’s Week: My son is a young carer

logoIt’s Carer’s Week, organised and supported by quite a few charities in the UK

Carers provide unpaid care by looking after an ill, frail or disabled family member, friend or partner. Carers give so much to society yet as a consequence of caring, they experience ill health, poverty and discrimination.

Caring Facts

  • There are over 6.5 million carers in the UK.
  • Every day 6,000 people take on new caring responsibilities.
  • Every year two million people take on new caring responsibilities.
  • Most carers (5.7 million) are aged over 18 and the peak age for caring is 50 to 59.
  • 1.5 million carers are aged over the age of 60.
  • There are 175,000 young people under the age of 18 who provide care, 13,000 of these provide care for 50 hours or more per week.
  • One in eight workers in the UK combine work with caring responsibilities for a disabled, ill or frail relative or friend.
  • If you are not a pensioner, or in full time education, you may qualify for £59 a week government allowance, but only if you earn less than £100 a week net.

To mark Carer’s Week, SNJ’s pal Angela Kelly, who is Tania’s co-chair at Family Voice Surrey Parent-Carer Forum, has written this moving piece for us about her own son who is a young carer…

****

Young Carers – Angela, Edward & Monty

Young carers are children and young people who look after  or help to look after someone in their family who has an illness, a disability, or is affected by mental ill-health or substance misuse.

Young carers often take on practical and/or emotional caring responsibilities that would normally be expected of an adult. The tasks undertaken can vary according to the nature of the illness or disability, the level and frequency of need for care and the structure of the family as a whole.

angelaboysThe above is a definition of the tasks a young carer undertakes in their daily lives, and it outlines it quite well.  What the statement cannot tell you though, are the sacrifices a young carer makes, which in many cases amounts to the loss of their childhood.  The social, emotional and wellbeing sacrifices are immense, but often not realised or noticed by the young carer.

However, in my experience  it would be difficult to find a young carer who would see their role in the same way.  Many of the ones I know would shrug their shoulders and tell you it’s “just life”, what they do, what they are used to, how they have been brought up. I have every admiration for them.

My older son, Edward, is classified as a young carer  to his younger brother, even though he has his own difficulties. Although he has my support (many young carers may not have this if they are caring for their parent or parents) there have also been many occasions when he has had take to take on the role of caring for his brother.

He has had his brother, Monty, sleeping in his bed on many occasions to enable me to get some sleep after perhaps two or three nights of tending to his very active brother. He has then had to attend school the following day.

He has tried to help his brother learn positive ways to behave and has helped to feed him when I, after an hour of coaxing, had given up, thoroughly exhausted and despairing at what life had become.

angela2He has missed out on all sorts of trips because I have been unable to take his brother along because his behaviour is too disruptive (there were never many willing babysitters!). He has not been able to join the local cricket club.  However the most heartbreaking is that he has been the object of severe bullying at school because his brother is ‘a retard’. He is, in fact, autistic with seizures and learning difficulties.

School never acknowledged the bullying and merely punished my own son’s retaliation to the bullies. I felt totally helpless.  He has also had to tolerate my guilt and anxiety at not being able to do many of the things with him that I wanted, and he needed me, to.  Instead we snatch the odd outing together and have lunch together now and then. Not really the mum and son things I envisaged when I dreamed of what having children would be like.

Despite all of this, the love they have for each other is amazing to see. They fight and fall out; which siblings don’t!  I do know that Edward would do anything for his brother (except watch CBeebies – there is a limit!).  His passion for fishing that he learned from his older siblings (who have moved out and are living independently) has caught  on and he has now hooked Monty into the sport, tiny steps so far but one day it might be a shared interest they could do together, so I am hopeful.

I asked Edward just now if he thought he was a young carer and he responded, “Nah, not really, it,s just what I do.”

Says it all really!

Angela wrote about a Day With Monty a while ago on SNJ. Read it here

No change please! ASD Son2 and the hair tong dilemma: Can you decide?

Tania writes:

Yesterday it was my birthday and I was very pleased to receive some wave-making hair tongs to bring a spot of variety to my poker-straight locks.

tania-bday13

The scene of the crime

I gave them a try that evening as we were going out for a family dinner to our favourite Italian (Il Colosseo in Farnborough in case you’re interested). I was pretty pleased with the results and went to show Asperger’s Son2 (almost 14) who was, as usual, ensconced in the Technolair.

He broke off from his laptop for a moment to have a look and I could tell by his face that it wouldn’t be good.

“You look like a Disney Princess,” he said. “I don’t like it.” He gave me a hard glare and turned back to his computer.

I was, actually, rather pleased with looking like a princess, especially given my advanced years – although there is always the danger of looking a bit mutton.

This reminded me of when I (obviously mistakenly) wore some purple crushed velvet leggings- something quite different and unusual for me. Son2 pointed at them and asked, “What is that fiasco? Take them off.”

When I told him I wasn’t going anywhere and no one would see me he replied that he would see me, because, of course, that was all that mattered. I have never worn them again.

Son2, like many children with ASD, finds change very difficult and for him, this is only getting worse as he gets older. It particularly includes anything different about me. As the central person in his life, he likes me to be the same at all times. He also doesn’t like me being away, which can make life difficult.

tania-bday13-2

Don’t mention the hair…

When we got to the restaurant, me still with the dreaded waves intact, I made the mistake of mentioning to my sister-in-law, within Son2’s hearing, that he was unhappy with my Disney Princess look. This, of course, reminded him of his unhappiness and that, coupled with the noise of the restaurant, was too much. He refused to speak or to order any main course or eat any birthday cake and sat plugged into his iPad for most of the rest of the evening.

It was only near the end of the evening, when he pulled up the familiar images on his iPad of his carefully-painted Warhammer figures that he began to relax and managed to have some after-dinner mints.

I could have kicked myself for mentioning the hair when we were at the restaurant. It’s a bit like the Fawlty Towers German/war scene: Don’t mention the hair. I mentioned it once and I think I got away with it.  I got away with it in the house, but alas, the second time meant the evening teetered on the edge of disaster.

I think it illustrates how easy it is to slip up when you’re walking on eggshells most of the time. Life is not normal, even though your kids have no visible sign of disability. I wasn’t thinking about the repercussions of careless talk.

When we got home, I tied my hair back but it wasn’t enough. This morning I went into him with freshly washed and back-to-normal straight hair. He opened his eyes, looked at it and sighed happily. Everything was as it should be.

So what do I do with the hair tongs? Do I keep using them in the hope he’ll just get used to them or pack them away in their box? Help me out and vote below!

Contact A Family extends free benefits helpline service

CaF logoThe brilliant charity, Contact a Family, is from today offering an extended helpline service.

Contact a Family has long been a source of information about the benefits system for parents of disabled children, however now – thanks to three years of funding – they will be able to offer more personalised advice for parents living in England.

From today (June 3), if you get in contact with CaF, they will be able to offer you an appointment with their welfare experts to discuss your situation. They will then be able to take you through the latest relevant benefits advice and run through any other financial help you may be entitled to maximise your income.

Senior Parent Adviser and welfare rights expert, Derek Sinclair said:

“At a time of huge change to the benefit system, this will provide a badly needed source of  free, confidential, high quality and up to date advice for parents. Our advisers will make sure that parents have the right information to make informed choices about issues.”

These include:

  • moving into work
  • benefit options when a child reaches 16
  • or how to use self-directed support to take greater control over how services are provided to their disabled child.

Contact a Family will also be offering a series of workshops across England  to raise awareness of the new benefits system. Get in contact with your nearest office  to find out more.

You can also access their quarterly welfare update in their What’s new e-bulletin and a range of resources to help parents make sense of the benefits maze. Sign up to receive your free copy.

Contact the CaF team of experts on freephone helpline number 0808 808 3555, email them on helpline@cafamily.org.uk or post a question on their Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/contactafamily

You can also:

  • Watch our video – meet the parent advisers and find out how they can help

Catch your kids being good with help from Maya Angelou

Tania writes:

“Catch them being good” is the oft-repeated advice to help encourage positive behaviour in children. And it’s good advice. But when your child has a behavioural disorder such as ADHD or Oppositional Defiance Disorder, it can be very hard to do.

For one, you are probably on your last nerve and your child seems to be determined to get on it. For another, you probably feel that you’ve tried all the ‘good advice’ and your child is resistant to all of it.

But, as the parent of two, now teenage, boys both of whom have Asperger Syndrome and one with ADHD and the other ADD, I would urge any parent in this position to keep trying with this particular piece of advice, even if you have to do it, at times, through gritted teeth.

Angelou quote 1It’s also difficult to remember, especially when you’re exhausted and the mere sight of the source of your angst, little Jane or Johnny, can make your stress levels soar. You’re constantly on the edge, waiting for the next crisis to blow-up. Parenting can feel like fire-fighting, with little time for fun.

Being a parent/carer of a child with special needs can be like being in a battle zone with other parents of ‘regular children’ sitting on the sidelines tut-tutting and always ready to tell you your tactics are all wrong.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  Maya Angelou

The above quote by American writer, Dr Maya Angelou, is what ‘Catching them being good’ for children with behavioural issues is about. It’s not the words you use or the action you praise, it’s about the self-esteem you are building in your child by doing it.

These children may look like nothing bothers them but you would be very wrong to think that. Every harsh word, brush-off, dressing down and punishment is keenly felt as rejection and the constant message that they are bad, unwanted and not worth loving.

So how do you do it? How do you step outside your own heart-ache, despair and sense of parental failure to build up the self-esteem of the source of your stress?

Here are a few tips that worked for us. They may work for you, they may not, but watchfulness will give you clues as to what does work for your child. You have to build on this and not give up. Of course I am not a child psychologist, I’m a parent, like you, and so I am speaking from my own direct experience.

1. Make a list of your child’s difficult behaviours. This may include being super-fast to anger, screaming, hurting other siblings/children, being unable to sit still at the table, not responding when spoken to, refusing to wash or go to bed or walk safely outside etc. Making a list when you are sitting quietly and calmly can also help you begin to identify triggers for particular behaviours.

2. Now you have the list in your head, you know what to look out for. So, when your child has sat at the table for even five minutes, praise them. It’s tempting to ignore it while they’re being good in case mentioning it sets them off, but this is a long process and you will both learn as you go along. “It’s so nice to see you sitting in your seat, it makes me really enjoy being with you at dinner time.”

Angelou quote 2See, this is not just, “Well done for sitting still” which really means nothing. You are, instead identifying the positive behaviour and backing it up with a positive effect it has had.

Another scenario: If you have identified some potential triggers from your list and you realise such a situation is about to arise, don’t wait for it to happen and then react. Step in with your praise first.

Perhaps your child finds not being first in the queue really hard, or not winning on Sports Day overly distressing (both experienced by Son1). Just ahead of time, say to your child that you understand that they find not being first really tough to cope with and you will be very impressed if they can hold it together if the worst happens.

So here, you are validating their feelings so they know it’s okay to feel bad if something doesn’t go as they planned, but you are giving them another option for a reaction. Personally, in this situation, I would also offer a small reward.

If they don’t manage to hold it together, console them rather than reprimand them. I know that Son1 had no confidence that he could control this overwhelming need for being first, but by praising each small step and helping him see that he had done the best he could, helped him to eventually overcome it.

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” Maya Angelou

Don’t give them mountains to climb though, praise small positive behaviours and begin to build up confidence.

Will it work first time? Maybe, maybe not, but don’t give up. Because :

  1. Your child will begin to see that you understand what makes them tick and this will increase trust.
  2. You will begin to feel more in control because instead of throwing up your hands and wondering WHY s/he does this, you will know and be in a position to help.
  3. Eventually your child will begin to see that they have a choice over how they react to situations. This is a huge skill and something many adults don’t even know.

angelou quote 3“Nothing will work unless you do.” Maya Angelou

So, it’s not a quick fix, by any means. But my child was worth investing the effort in. From being the recipient of behaviour charts in reception, alienating other children and being, at times, uncontrollable, Son1, now 15, is in one month’s time joining a school World Challenge expedition to Tanzania to climb Kilimanjaro and  carry out project work.

I am immensely proud of him and the way he has been enabled to work out many of his difficulties with the help of his Dad, myself and his specialist school.

I hope this might help you with your child. Or maybe you have some tips of your own that you could share?